Do I Like Me?

Lean too much upon the approval of people and it becomes a bed of thorns.

Tehyi Hsieh
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Hello Rose
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Like most actors I spent my working days seeking approval. First of all I wanted to be approved of by the director so that I would get the job. Once in rehearsal I wanted the approval of my colleagues, my fellow actors. Opening night would come and I wanted the critics to approve of me. And then I wanted to impress and charm the audience.

What was this need for approval? It is not germane to a performing artist to need approval. Being liked is a side show. The main event is the preparation and performance of the play, musical, ballet or whatever. The real pleasure for an actor is in the discoveries, developments, understanding the character, being able to create that character's life and presenting the drama in a moving and believable manner with beauty and artistry night after night. When an actor achieves that accomplishment he finishes his night's work with joy and satisfaction, no matter what anyone thinks of him.

Naturally we want to be liked. We want the applause, we want the good reviews and to be respected by our employers. Who doesn't? But when approval begins to take the place of reason, reality and conscientiousness, that's when the thorns start growing.

There's this famous story about a well known actress (maybe one of you knows the story better than I do and can fill in the accompanying details). She was doing a comedy. At one point she asked the character on stage with her for a cup of tea. For some reason it was a very funny moment and the audience would roar with laughter. But one night they didn't laugh. And for the next several nights there was no laughter. She asked a friend to watch the scene and tell her what was wrong. He did and told her that by the way she spoke the line she was asking for the laugh and that she should go back to asking for the tea. She did that and the laughter resumed.

In all areas of our lives it's the integrity and honesty of how we live and what we do that counts not the measurement of our popularity. As the Suna Sirah states "Honor yourself with humility, and give yourself the esteem you deserve." And I say, graciously accept the approval you get from others but know that you don't need them to tell you how good you are.

Disappoint yourself. Forgive yourself. Do better next time. And drink a toast to yourself every day.

DB - Vagabond Journeys
Never give up.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall.

"Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be?

Marianne Williamson
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One of my favorite characters growing up in New York was Reverend Ike. He was the pastor of a large church in Harlem whose sermons were centered around the teaching that people had a divine right to have a good opinion of themselves, a message that was very important and gratefully received by the people in Harlem and elsewhere, including myself. One of the members of his congregation was Wally Amos of the Famous Amos cookies. He was a walking demonstration of Rev. Ike's philosophy.

Anyone who, for one reason or another, grows up to feel inferior, has a great burden to unload. I once heard a man say that he humiliates his son to teach him humility. I said that you don't teach him humility by humiliating him, you teach him humiliation. There's a big difference.

Sometimes the inferiority complex begins at home. It did with me. The old saying "Children should be seen and not heard." has caused a lot of damage to kids over the years. If I expressed a thought or opinion about something I was usually immediately ridiculed or told to be quiet. It did me some damage and caused some unsavory reactionary behavior when I got older.

I have seen that same damage in other youngsters, some of which I have written about before. Folks grow up thinking they aren't smart enough, strong enough, tall enough, talented enough or good looking enough.

One day I was in a group of about 20 people. It was a social gathering. One of the people there was a young teenage girl who was dressed in an unusual and slightly provocative manner. The woman in charge took it upon herself to start criticizing this girl and asking her why she dressed that way. The girl replied "Because I want to." The woman kept asking her questions and the girl kept replying in the same way with more or less the same words. Each time the girl answered the woman in question got more and more sarcastic with her. People were laughing at the girl and she was getting angry.

Finally one of the men in the room said "Wait a minute. The reason she keeps repeating herself is because you didn't hear her the first time." He then said that she was too young to have the words and the power to adequately express herself and that it should be taken into consideration instead of putting her down for it and the woman should be quiet and start listening. Then he said to the girl "Young lady, you dress anyway you want and any way that makes you feel comfortable. There is nothing wrong with the way you look." I applauded him and so did a few other people. After that the bitch left her alone, no wiser I'm sure, but at least off the subject.

Is there a moral? Yes. Reverend Ike knew what it was. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Because you are. And don't tell that to yourself whatever you do, you hear me?
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DB - The Vagabond
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