You will become as small as your controlling desire,
or as great as your dominant aspiration.
James Allen
............
Somber sky, the patter of rain on the window off and on all day, miraculous imaginings, quiet longings, solitude.
I should have brushed the leaves from the front steps yesterday as I thought to do, but I was tired from the days walk. Maybe one of my housemates will do it on the next clear day. Not likely. One good thing about the rain is that the leaf blowers aren't out filling the neighborhood with their ugly noise.
I have no exoteric duties today. The apartment is cold, not enough heat comes up. I have to call the landlord. It can wait.
It's good to be in. I have books to read and music to hear. Right now it's a Mahler symphony. (Who's he?) I have enough food, plenty of coffee and cigarettes and the young woman in the computer who tells me when I have email, who always surprises me because I rarely get any. The phone is turned off because the only calls I get are from the credit card companies wanting their money, which they will all get eventually.
I do have duties. I have to work on my Brian story. I like to stay ahead. I think some of the readers have gotten bored with it lately. I don't get anywhere near the comments I used to get. Maybe they gave up and stopped reading it, which is too bad because it is about to get very frightening and they won't know why.
And I also have my thoughts. I learned how to deal with regrets. I just don't think about them. I think ahead. I think about my writing and my painting, and I plan for them. Amazing things can be done on a rainy afternoon.
I live a solitary life, no romance, no one to care for, no one to listen to and to tell that she doesn't look fat in that dress. I wouldn't mind a little romance, but I guess it isn't a necessity.
There are things missing from this afternoon. I wish I was a better man. I wish I was a better artist. I wish I could astonish myself.
I have no friends here to visit with and bounce ideas with. I know a few answers, but I know a lot more questions. My ideas bounce back at me like a rubber ball.
There is a desperately important need to mine the mentality of the universe. Every moment spent not doing that is discarded treasure.
DB
9 comments:
I'm sorry, you don't sound too happy at the moment... I sure hope that all gets better soon. I think artists see things much deeper than the rest of us, and that's not always a good thing. Do you live in a rural area, or is it just too cold to be out right now?? You need some company... we're all here for you, k?? Don't forget that!!
Take Care, my friend,
Joann
D.B. Wow, I was looking at your collection of visitors flags. Wouldn't it be nice if all those people left comments. The one from Indonesia is visiting my Blog too. (Or at least I assume it's the same person). I need to send you another postcard...I have more from the trip. I'll get one off to you very soon. Take care, Linda
DB,
Im guilty of not commenting on Brian and Cristy, please accept my appologies. My excuse is I use the Google reader and am guilty of not clicking through to your blog. There is no place to comment on the reader. I look a few times a day in anticipation of the next installment.
But be assured by how many people are following you, that is a great indication that your work is being enjoyed.
As Max of "Get Smart" said. "Sorry About that Chief."
Sue
'As A Man Thinketh' ... my Mom made me read that as a kid! That is where the name James Allen entered my life!
For me, this is very, very revealing. Not that I see a melancholy, but a resignation. That is one of the questions that I wrestle with, 'Is This It' (name of The Stroke's first cd ... maybe a subject soon to!)
I have discovered, at least for me, that feelings like this comes when I think of the possibilities of 'what could have been'. So I will go out and act directly on what is the major influence to my feelings, knowing full well that it is just one step, but that is what is necessary.
See, whether it is being alone (should I talk to the McDonald's swing manager or not?) being creative (I hope someone is reading ... but if not, c'est la vie!), or just normal 'got to get back into it' kind of feeling, that is what I do.
I have been a scoundrel, SD called me a 'cad'. I have been a hero, put my life on the line. I have had a little money, and I AM at this point, the closest to being broke since I had my first paper route.
But I think it is good to have these feelings cycle thru you every once in a while. Makes you DO something, decide on what you are going to do, to be.
You will be alright. Don't let the season stuff get to you. Give what you can, and let that go. Receive what you get, and be thankful. In between, keep on with keeping on!
So Brian and Christy are down in the reviews! We are waiting for the frightening events to happen! You sound as down I feel. Keep swimming Mr. Pisces clearer waters ahead. Love Always, Dannelle
Ok, here are my thoughts..having been there and done that. Too much time alone will play havoc on your mind. You will start imagining things about how things should have been, is, will be, and then you will get sad because it is not happening. So I say, "Focus on the now" to keep the mind from wandering, and tell us what's to become of Brian and Cristy.
While I get a sense that you're a bit down, D., I suspect it's more a matter of having an introspective day. Sometimes it's good to have one of those, and you don't seem consumed with regret...just enjoying, as you put it, "mining the mentality of the universe." I hope you'll let us know what you found out. ;)
Love, Beth
Seems our moods sometimes follow the weather, so here is hoping the sun shines for you this weekend :o)
I'm sorry you are having a down afternoon, DB; I hope the sun shines tomorrow and things look a little brighter then; it is hard when the weather turns and the days get darker earlier to always be in a cheery mood
I'm guilty of not following your new Brian story; I'm trying to limit my online time so I've had to cut back on some journal reading, etc; I think it is also getting that time of year when people will start getting busy getting ready for the holidays; I would imagine all of us will see a decline in comments as the time gets nearer in for preparations
betty
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