It's definitely a struggle to prove yourself just as a good human.
Yesterday my life changed. It felt like a sea change or a tectonic movement. In some way and in some degree I'm not the man I was yesterday.
I have been known in the past as a generous person. I was generous with my money whenever I hade any. I was generous with my time and energy. I took a year off from my career to administer a program to help New York City kids improve their arts programs. I took supporting roles in productions that other actors wouldn't bother with in order to offer my talent, enthusiasm and ability to help make it a good show. I always took time to talk with young actors about their careers and give them advice and coaching. Some older actors don't want to do that.
Ten years ago I was doing a play with an actor who was contentious and difficult to be with. I tried to treat him with respect and friendliness. We were the two leading players. Because there was a musical number in the play, we had a choreographer. One day in rehearsal he said to me "I admire the way you handle him. You're a good man." I thnked him and went out behind the theatre and cried. I cried because I was 60 years old and that was the first time in my life anyone had ever said that to me. I had to wait until I was 60 to hear someone tell me I'm a good man.
I can't explain why but sharing has always been one of the foremost motives of my life. To share what I have, what I know, my ideas, my thoughts, my feelings, my stories, my jokes, my love. Sometimes it isn't appreciated. But sharing with others has been from the start the main purpose of Vagabond Journeys and my other blogs.
I've had a lot of trouble lately, financial, physical and legal, and I see more on the horizon. Maybe as a result my writing isn't as sparkly as it used to be and my words don't carry the spirit and enthusiasm they used to. No doubt that's true. For that reason and also because my readership has been severely and saddeningly declining over the past several weeks, I'm rethinking my whole commitment to what I'm doing here. I read more journals than I get readers. There are 86 journalists that I read regularly, some with more than one blog. Like most people I may not always leave a comment but if there's a new entry I read it and look at the pictures. It says at the bottom here that I have 82 followers, plus I have 16 regular email companions. But if almost all of them are not reading me I wonder why I'm writing. It's a big fabulous world full of interesting people and I like to keep in touch with as many of them as possible.
Yesterday was a very windy day here. As I was coming back from the market I stopped to rest by a fence next to a tree filled field. I heard a loud cracking noise and a large branch from high up on one of the tress broke off and crashed on the ground in front of me. The tree was no longer interested in the branch. The wind took it over and handed it on to gravity which threw it on the ground. Nature's epiphany. I am not the man I was yesterday. I feel I might soon have an epiphany of my own.