Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I don't like it.

I don't like my life.

I don't like where I live. I don't like it that I am stuck in this apartment with no life outside. I don't like my neighborhood. I don't like it that I don't have even a single tree to look at out my window. I don't like the sound of car doors slamming all day. I don't like the foul moth shouting next door. I don't like being perpetually broke. I don't like being alone. I don't like the fact that nothing changes for the better. I don't like the stress I'm under. I don't like being so heavily in debt. I don't like the fact that all my efforts go nowhere. I don't like it that I get no help from this community. I don't like that I can't publish my stories or exhibit my paintings.. I don't like it that I was assigned a case worker who never showed up. I don't like it that I have received no compensation, restitution or revenge for the wrongs that have been done to me. I don't like it that I get no answers to the most important questions I ask. I don't like being pushed by circumstances to the point of rage and depression. I don't like it that my moral stand nets me nothing while the immoral thrive. I don't like pretensions, arrogance and deception. I don't like the fact that my eyesight is faulty. I don't like having to walk so far on crutches. I don't like it that I can't afford health insurance.

When I moved here it was supposed to bring me peace, but the things I moved away from, the doubts, confusion, fears, sorrow, suspicion have all followed me here. Every day is a day I don't like.

The only healthy thing for me to do is to leave here and go to a completely different place. But I can't do it. I'm stuck here.

I don't like my life. I can't take any more bad things happening to me.
I want a new life.

I can't remember the last time I felt joy.



Geo. said...

DB., it was a nudge from one of your recent posts that sent me to my doctor --I think he turned 13 this year-- who gave me some sound advice and got me started on treatment for the jumps. I think you got the jumps.

Jon said...

My heart breaks when I read this, because your present life is a mirrored reflection of my own. I can strongly identify. There are no easy answers, nor is there an easy way out. I don't know why good people are dumped upon with extraordinary troubles, while the wicked thrive.
Life, as we know it, seems to be God's joke.
You definitely need to have a new case worker - - please keep pestering them about it!