Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Fearful Fragments 8/19/09

Adversity is the trial of principle. Without it a man hardly knows whether he is honest or not.

Henry Fielding
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I was jolted out of bed yesterday morning by my very loud door bell. I quickly got dressed, descended the three flights of stairs only to be served some papers by a police officer. It's a law suit. One of the credit card companies to whom I owe money is suing me for over 4 thousand dollars plus lawyers fees.

I doesn't seem to matter to them that I was willing to work out a payment plan and told them so, that I mode good faith payments as I could and that I was perfectly honest with them about my income and expenses. Furthermore all my debts are under debt management and they know that.

I'm sure the issue will get resolved one way or another without my having to go to court, which I couldn't possibly do anyway. I'm not a criminal. I just owe money. The thing is it's just one more piece of unexpected trouble popping up in my life.

Then in the mail I received notice that my last remaining active credit card is cutting me off, even though I have been making regular payments and the balance was coming down.

I frankly fear what is going to happen to me today or tomorrow. I don't even feel secure in my own apartment what with threatening phone calls, police ringing my door bell and awful things coming in the mail.

I thought when I retired that I would be able to paint my pictures, write my stories, keep my journal, read my books and have a peaceful, cultured life. But instead my life is filled up with nasty things that have to be dealt with and there's little time left to enjoy retirement. I feel under attack from all sides, physically, financially, socially and emotionally. My eyesight is getting very poor, it's painful to stagger down the street, This town doesn't have any benches for old folks to sit and rest on along the way. I can't chew my food so I have to be careful what I eat, I'm losing so much weight my clothes don't fit me anymore. It's almost impossible to keep my apartment clean. I have no family. I have no friends near by. I have a malfunctioning computer and I can't get a hold of the tech support people who know anything. I frequently feel I'm living in the wrong place. I don't know how I got here and I don't know where I am. There's no one here who cares about me and no one to help me. In short I have TOO MUCH TROUBLE.

Every time I turn the computer off there's a voice that says "Take care, and don't give up." I sometimes wonder why I don't. I feel at the end of everything. I see no future. This is my future, struggling to keep myself in coffee, milk and peanut butter. I make an entry in my journal every day. Most of the time (today is an exception) they are entries that are meant to entertain, encourage, lighten people's burdens and share my love of life and things. But some days I feel like a hypocrite because my life is such a ruin and the joy I send out is not coming back to me

I keep casting bread on the waters. Some would say I'm a fool. Maybe I am, but even if I am a fool I don't deserve so much grief.

I'm sorry for such a morose, humorless entry, but if I don't do it now and then I'd be crazy. All right, crazier, if you insist.

I'm sorry for the loss of friendships, good people, and not so good, I cared about. I weep for the death of my brother and my sister, and the loss of the rest of my family, both gone and strangers. I mourn the loss of my career which even in the worst times was the world to me. And now, bereft of almost all and staggering under troubles I have to honestly admit to you that I'm an unhappy man.

DB

15 comments:

a corgi said...

((((DB))) I'm so sorry.....I don't know what to say, but just wanted you to know I'm so sorry.....I don't know why this one succeeds and this one struggles......

betty

miss alaineus said...

1) let them try to take you to court. you are making payments in good faith and are working with an agency. do you have a credit counselor there you can report this to? this is a bully tactic often used, don't buy it. better yet be that guy who calls the local news and makes the public aware of how people who are trying to work out of a bad situation are being treated.

2) if you are living on a reduced income that consists of mainly social security, you may be eligible for several programs to help you get food on the table. most churches have 'ask no questions' food banks too. to see if you are eligible you need to get to your local office of health and human services. they might also be able to link you up with discounts on public transportation and medical care.

3)if your personal computer goes kaput get a library card. libraries are a great place to access free computers with internet connections. did i mention it was free?

4) you might be eligible for the meals on wheels program too.

i have used all of the above services with the exception of meals on wheels. sometimes knowing how to work the system has been the key to my survival.

so many things about the current state of the nation are disheartening. know you are not alone in your struggles and that talking about it is a big step towards working through it. although i enjoy your entries, i think it's also really important to let people know what is really going on with you.

keep us in the loop,

xxalainaxx

pacifica62 said...

This is indeed a very sad, thought provoking entry. In our youth, when we dreamed of our golden years, none of us would have ever thought that life could work out this way, yet sadly it can. I feel for you DB. You deserve better than this. Well, don't give up. There are riches in your life with your talents, knowledge and caring readers. They can't take those away from you. Stand up tall, hold your head up high, look them right in the eyes and tell them that you are going to survive in spite of these parasites. They cannot take away your soul and spirit.

Beth said...

I would like to give both you and Alaina a big hug right now. You, just to let you know you're not alone, and Alaina for knowing enough about things to give you some helpful advice. Keep fighting, D. All is not lost! Love, Beth

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Sorry to read this entry today. I have a few ideas, but need to do a little networking first. Keep a stiff upper lip my friend.

Lisa said...

I'm sorry to read of your troubles and I am angry that you received a summons by a police officer. That is so uncalled for. Half the people with credit card debt aren't even attempting to pay their bill and they are getting away with it. It's just not fair. I can understand why this would be so upsetting to you. I would follow the wise advice Miss alain gave you ~ especially on the part of meals.
xxx

Janice said...

Bereft...a favorite word of mine. Reminds me of one of my favorite poems...
If of thy mortal goods though art bereft
and from thy slender store two loafs alone to thee are left
Sell one
And with the dole
Buy Hyacinths to feed the soul.

I could brainstorm and figure a way around with you. There are many answers. What does OB say or haven't you written to him?

Rose said...

I know everything that is happening now is just cause for depression but DON'T give up.

Miss Alaineus gave you great advise.

The next time you get a threatening phone call, ask for the persons name and number. They can be reported. They have no right to harrass you or threaten you. Also, tell them to cease and desist calling your home number. Remember, you have to tell them to STOP CALLING AND HARRASSING YOU!

That way, they only can contact you via snail mail.

Hang in there my friend. I know your troubles now are reasons to be really upset but all will be resolved. Don't fret....we are all here for you.

Hugs, Rose

FrankandMary said...

Alaina covered the things I was going to suggest(better than I would have) and then some, so I will just say: I am thinking of you and sending all my good morning vibes your way. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Frankandmary@aol.com .
~Mary

Bonnie Bonsai said...

I wish I live nearby. I would be too happy to be of help.

Indigo said...

(Hugs) for both you and Alaina. I've been known to say, "They can't get blood from a stone." If you are making some effort to make payments, I highly doubt the court system will work in the credit cards favor. You're in my thoughts dear friend. (Hugs) Indigo

Arlene (AJ) said...

So sorry DB, hang in there, take it one day at a time, it will all work out. Talk with a credit counselor, they should be able to help you dear.

salemslot9 said...

we even have to worry about
eating peanut butter...

Char said...

DB, I am so sorry all this is happening to you. Try to hang in there. ((hugs)) and prayers for you.

Gerry said...

Sorry to hear that things seem so bleak right now. My companion Pierre was plagued with his credit card callers up until the end of his life, threatening law suits. He was scheduled to go to court the week after he died. I had to send the credit card company copy of his death certificate. They were sorry I was not his legal wife so they could dun me. Pierre was going to declare bankruptcy but ran out of money before he could do it. So I know what it is to be up against it like this. He was living in HUD housing which only takes a 4th of your income for rent. I take it that is not possible for you where you are. My thought is always 'and this too will pass.' Hoping a break will come for you somehow. Gerry