Adversity is the trial of principle. Without it a man hardly knows whether he is honest or not.
I was jolted out of bed yesterday morning by my very loud door bell. I quickly got dressed, descended the three flights of stairs only to be served some papers by a police officer. It's a law suit. One of the credit card companies to whom I owe money is suing me for over 4 thousand dollars plus lawyers fees.
I doesn't seem to matter to them that I was willing to work out a payment plan and told them so, that I mode good faith payments as I could and that I was perfectly honest with them about my income and expenses. Furthermore all my debts are under debt management and they know that.
I'm sure the issue will get resolved one way or another without my having to go to court, which I couldn't possibly do anyway. I'm not a criminal. I just owe money. The thing is it's just one more piece of unexpected trouble popping up in my life.
Then in the mail I received notice that my last remaining active credit card is cutting me off, even though I have been making regular payments and the balance was coming down.
I frankly fear what is going to happen to me today or tomorrow. I don't even feel secure in my own apartment what with threatening phone calls, police ringing my door bell and awful things coming in the mail.
I thought when I retired that I would be able to paint my pictures, write my stories, keep my journal, read my books and have a peaceful, cultured life. But instead my life is filled up with nasty things that have to be dealt with and there's little time left to enjoy retirement. I feel under attack from all sides, physically, financially, socially and emotionally. My eyesight is getting very poor, it's painful to stagger down the street, This town doesn't have any benches for old folks to sit and rest on along the way. I can't chew my food so I have to be careful what I eat, I'm losing so much weight my clothes don't fit me anymore. It's almost impossible to keep my apartment clean. I have no family. I have no friends near by. I have a malfunctioning computer and I can't get a hold of the tech support people who know anything. I frequently feel I'm living in the wrong place. I don't know how I got here and I don't know where I am. There's no one here who cares about me and no one to help me. In short I have TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
Every time I turn the computer off there's a voice that says "Take care, and don't give up." I sometimes wonder why I don't. I feel at the end of everything. I see no future. This is my future, struggling to keep myself in coffee, milk and peanut butter. I make an entry in my journal every day. Most of the time (today is an exception) they are entries that are meant to entertain, encourage, lighten people's burdens and share my love of life and things. But some days I feel like a hypocrite because my life is such a ruin and the joy I send out is not coming back to me
I keep casting bread on the waters. Some would say I'm a fool. Maybe I am, but even if I am a fool I don't deserve so much grief.
I'm sorry for such a morose, humorless entry, but if I don't do it now and then I'd be crazy. All right, crazier, if you insist.
I'm sorry for the loss of friendships, good people, and not so good, I cared about. I weep for the death of my brother and my sister, and the loss of the rest of my family, both gone and strangers. I mourn the loss of my career which even in the worst times was the world to me. And now, bereft of almost all and staggering under troubles I have to honestly admit to you that I'm an unhappy man.