Thursday, April 16, 2009

Lost-and-Found Love 4/16/09

The one that I love, I wish to be free - even from me.

Anne Lindbergh
Hi folks, When I try to click on a journal it frequently freezes and won't release unless I log off and reboot. So if I'm not reading you, that's the reason - until I get it fixed.
Years ago I was very much in love with a woman who fascinated and chromed me. She was beautiful. There was color and fragrancy to her thinking, a warm compassion for nature and the world around her and a great appreciation for art and music.

We shared a love of opera, religion, humor and community. She completely stole my heart and I loved her very much. I knew her parents well and they liked me and approved of me. Everything pointed to it being a good, healthy relationship for both of us.

But she had recently come off a bad relationship and was hurting. She was desperately in need of being loved, and went seeking it everywhere, but she had difficulty giving it. Knowing that, I tried to be compassionate and patient. I gave her a lot of freedom and space. I tried to keep my distance in order not to trouble her recovery, to be there when she wanted me, and to maintain a healthy attitude toward her, our present and our future.

I thought it was working because she would seek me out for love and comfort. I loved her so much that I would do anything for her. After several months it became clear to me that the one thing she wanted from me more than anything else was for me to go away.

One of the last times I saw here I said to her that all the things that were troubling her should leave her alone. I didn't realize at that moment I was one of those things. There was a healing process going on and I was interfering with it. In my love I wanted to make her world happier. But I learned that she had to do that for herself. She had wrapped herself in a protective emotional blanket which I was trying to unwrap before she was ready to emerge from it. Therefore, with all of my love, I was a threat.

So I stepped out of her life. I am the only one who knows the price of grief, pain and heartbreak that cost me.

A few years ago I heard that she had gotten married. I'm glad.

I've gone on to other relationships, some good, some not so good, none permanent. But that woman always has a bright place in my memory (whether she wants it or not).

Find another evidence of spring today.


Linda S. Socha said...

I can relate to this post DB. Healing is such a personal time line . Great post and beautifully written as always

Anonymous said...

You brought back some memories of long lost loves. Thanks for the memories DB.

Anne said...

Timing has it's own way, doesn't it? Who said, when one door opens, another closes, but it's the hallways that are a bitch? I'm glad for both of you that you moved on. I'm also glad you have the memories. Anne

Myra said...

What a beautiful, heartfelt entry. I can surely relate, though it was a long time ago, it still hurts.

Arlene (AJ) said...

Sounds like she missed out on a wonderful, loving relationship with you dear, definitely her loss DB, so touching to read that you hold her close in your special memories and always will. Bless you dear. You've brought back memories for me as I'm sure you will for all of your readers.

Beth said...

I've seen so many try to heal wounds from a previous relationship by jumping into another, and I've been there myself. It wasn't until I stepped back, took myself out of the ring, that I finally got my act together and learned what I wanted in a relationship and what I had to give. You were thoughtful and wise to realize that you needed to step away, since she didn't realize it herself at the time.

Love, Beth

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Not sure what is better/worse - forgotten love or remembered love.

Joyce said...

I'll bet there is not a single reader that isn't touched by a memory because of this post. I know I was. She missed out DB. You would have made a wonderful catch for her.
Hugs, Joyce

Breezy said...

It is so painful to be in and ready for a relationship with someone who is not ready. In the long run you did the best thing, and were wise enough to see that and take the right action, even though it was difficult. I always wonder why we are connected with someone so emotionally, and mentally yet it was not meant to be? Some questions will never be answered for me!