Saturday, April 21, 2012

Empty Tank

Dig the well before you are thirsty.

Chinese proverb
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Hello Rose
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You've heard of the U of HK, otherwise known as the University of Hard Knocks. We have all been matriculated into it at one time or another. The lessons we learn there are things we could have learned if instead we had enrolled in The Institute of Higher Reason. `

There is a professional theatre in this town. As an actor I performed at that theatre off and on for 14 years. The audiences come from all over and as far away as Philadelphia. But they don't come from the local community. I played major roles and large supporting roles but whenever I spoke about it with any of the local people, even the artists in the town, no one saw any of my work.

Sometimes life is like getting an envelope in the mail and when you take it to your desk and open it there's nothing inside. It's addressed to you but it's an empty envelope. And that's quite the way I feel these days around here. I live in a place devoid of ideas, drugged up and dulled down. Attempts to establish myself as a member of a community based on who I am and what I've done are futile since no one knows any of it. They don't love me. They don't hate me. They are just indifferent. The worst kind of treatment there is.

I want to be back in New York to pick up on my acting career. While here I've done a lot of writing and some painting, so I haven't been idle, but I need to be where it matters. The only thing I fear is not ever having achieved my potential, accomplished what I know I'm capable of or receiving the recognition I know I deserve.

As I wrote to Jon today the big fault in my thinking was that I did not provide an escape route for myself. Now at last (even after "at last") I'm desperate to get out of here and get with people for whom life is important, who challenge the sunshine to play, who can grow enthusiasm in the palms of their hands.

And today, since I did not provide a means of escape when I had the chance escaping and finding a happy place to be seems an impossibility. I'm trying to begin my journey with an empty tank. Many good people are wishing me well and will utter a Bon Voyage. But there are no doors open to receive me yet and no gas in the tank. Such a dilemma.

All the evidence available, a years lease on a large apartment full of furniture, crippling physical problems, no health insurance of any kind and very little money, would discourage any sane man from trying such a move. But since I'm a certifiably crazy old vagabond I'll do it.

I have to.
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DB - Vagabond Journeys
Never Give Up
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6 comments:

Jon said...

Often there are so many obstacles, detours,road blocks, and dead ends in this impossibly complicated maze called "Life" that there isn't time to plan an escape route.
(I'm still desperately searching for one).

I'm sure this will be of little comfort - - but your determination is an inspiration.

Valerie said...

I don't think you're crazy and I agree with Jon. You are an inspiration! Good luck preparing for your journey!! You remain in my prayers!

Arlene (AJ) said...

You can accomplish your goals DB, don't give up. Hopefully the friends you have in NY area will be there for you and you'll be able to reach for your NY goals.
Don't ever give up....tomorrow is always a new day.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Less than a year on your lease, you will need that time to get things planned and arranged.

Rose~* said...

I love visiting your blog for inspiration. You have an amazing soul. I look forward to your journey towards New York. And I agree with you about the new blog interface. As soon as I saw it when I signed in, I quickly found the "revert to old blog style" button and pressed it. I couldn't make heads or tails with it and have no time right now to fiddle and go crazy over it. :::SIGH:::

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